I Cry

As I contemplate the Infinite and Eternal worth of the Savior, I am reminded of the wretched condition of my body of death, and again, Grace. The Doctrines of Grace replay over and over until I can eloquently repeat them with my mind, while searching the Scriptures. My re-born life and closeness to God has amounted to how much I can learn and know about Him; the way that He thinks, decrees, judges, loves and hates. I am known as a person with “spiritual knowledge”, one who “knows” God and understands the fundamental differences between "Calvinist" and "Arminian" Theology. I read authors like Charles Spurgeon, John Piper, John Owen, Jonathan Edwards, D.A. Carson, Vincent Cheung, Luther and Calvin. I am bored at times in church because I already know most things that are preached and understand the truths sometimes in a way that seems more passionate than the preacher, as if possessing a treasure that he does not know about (?). I enjoy debating the difference between my choosing of God in my salvation and God choosing me. I also enjoy discussing the theology in the middle, like perseverance, sanctification, free will, common grace, "Lordship salvation", and the losing of salvation. I thrive on reading as many books as I can, to have read as much if not more than the next born-again Calvinist Christian. At the end of the day, my conscience may approve of these things that are good, and check them off the list. Now that I have worked on Theology and Doctrine for a little while, I think I will touch up the Christian cake a little more with some Apologetics. Christian Apologetics is a thought process of “defending the faith” that ultimately differentiates the way of thinking between a believer and unbeliever in understanding our (biblical) worldview. I appreciate the gifts of many great apologists that help my knowledge of defending the Christian Faith, e.g, Van Til, Augustine, Cheung, and Clark. Because of the Grace of God, I am full of knowledge of Him.

Yet, I am sad, and broken, again.

In the midst of my pursuance of the knowledge of God and the way that He thinks, the understanding of Doctrine, Theology, Apologetics and Scripture, I am breaking my own heart in the process. The only One who gives me true knowledge, understanding, patience, and endurance of the faith, is the One seems to be placed on the backend. I must now grow in another way. I must understand God in another way. I must be broken in another way. Instead of repeating in my conscience, “God is Sovereign over my sin,” I need not to justify the very thing that separates me from my Creator and Sustainer, Jesus Christ. I must realize that Jesus is not a concept or mere words. He is not just Theology, or the the One who speaks the red words in the Bible. He is not a fad, label or a "Homeboy." He is the God-Man that saved me from my sin, i.e, death, hell and the full wrath of God. I know that it is only by His blood that I can see His face, for who He is. It is only by His blood that I can see my sin for what it is. It is only by His blood that I can know the difference between saved and lost. It is only by His blood that I can have compassion for someone who does not know Him. It is Jesus Christ Himself that I need; not Theology, Doctrine, or Apologetics; But, only His Word. All of these great things are derived from the Scriptures, but when not applied to my very life, they are utterly worthless and useless.

May I learn to mortify sin by rewinding 2,000 years ago to that dark day of the crucifixion. As I see Mary and John in tears at the foot of the cross, His righteous, pure blood inches closer to the ground from His wounds. I am vaguely picturing myself in the midst of that day, yet knowing exactly what happened. I know that it quickly became dark the moment His hands and feet were nailed. The full wrath of the God of Heaven is placed on the only One in all of the Universe, before time, that could bear it, and die to bring me back to God. I was trying to picture myself crying at the cross with Mary and John, but, without the Grace of God, I am one of the Roman soldiers to mock and ridicule Him as the “King of the Jews” and scourge Him as if He was worthless and blasphemous. I would be one of them to spit upon him as the crowns of thorns were placed around His head.

I only cry now as I see my responsibility to the rest of the world once I have been rescued from certain death and damnation to the worst placed in all creation, hell. I not only cry about that, but fall to my knees in repentance and inexpressible gratitude that I am not no longer separated from the One that created me In His Image. I now have Him. He is my life (Gal. 2:20). I now know what it means to be brokenhearted over the sin that crucified the perfect Christ. Oh, how glorious and precious is the Lamb of God! This is the one the prophets were speaking of!

God, I do not deserve one word of knowledge of you. I do not deserve to be in your presence or to have you die for my sins. I do not deserve the computer to type this on or the program that it is in, or the fingers I am using to type, or the chair I am sitting in, or the roof over my head to give me shelter, or the food that I am about to eat. I do not deserve the very life that I have; that I can see, and walk and hear and think, communicate, respond, laugh, and cry. I have a broken body with a broken-heart for my wretchedness.

May I never veer from the Cross, where it all began; where I met my first love; where I loved for the first time; where I understood forgiveness for the first time, Grace for the first time and Mercy for the first time. Lord, it is only because of the Cross that I can understand who you really are and not what the world makes you. It is only because of the Cross that I can understand that you chose me before the foundation of the world to walk in and with you. It is only because of the Cross that I can shed light to the (professing) atheist in his non-acknowledgement of what he already knows, due to his own sin and rebellion. It is only because of the Cross that I can never lose the work of Grace that you have begun. And because of these things, may I have a broken-heart in humility because of the One who made me who I am, in every way, the One who is the way, the truth, the life, the One who has sheep that know His voice, that One who is Truly Righteous, Holy and gives His undeserved Amazing Grace and Mercy to the ones who’s hearts He breaks and restores, Jesus Christ. It is finished.